the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
The uberlube is also flammable
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
