Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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