he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
