Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
