You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
