how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
