Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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