Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
