Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Randomize
