that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
