a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
