Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
