woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
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