So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
did i walk over a car last night?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
