Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
