you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
