My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
