Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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