It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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