Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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