Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I came so hard my ears popped.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
