Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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