So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
