he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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