Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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