you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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