just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize