we have pet lesbian snakes
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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