He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
