He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Are we still banned from the library?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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