I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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