Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
