i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
