the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
