I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Randomize
