I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
