life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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