This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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