i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize