um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
