Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
We left an ass print on the piano.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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