he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
