it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
