quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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