I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize