Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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