our cab driver is having phone sex.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
