Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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