I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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