in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
