I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
