i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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