I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
